How Can I Have More Casual Hookups? Hello all you Twitternet meat hordes, and welcome to Ask Dr. Nerd. Love, the only dating advice column whose pre- orders are only available at 1 AM. This week, it’s all about sex: who wants it, who doesn’t, where to find it and whether deciding to wait on it is a losing proposition when it comes to dating. What are the best practices when it comes to finding a no- strings attached hook- up?

We’ve covered this ground in the past, but it’s a common question.) Is deciding to wait until marriage going to make it harder to find dates? You’re going to be waiting in line at Game. Stop anyway, so it’s time to shine up the old brown shoes and put on a brand new shirt.

Let’s do this thing: Dear Doc,I would like to get laid more often, but I don’t know how. I didn’t have sex in high school, I barely had sex in college, and while I’m more active now, it’s not nearly as frequent as I would like it to be. I have a high sex drive which makes it tough to deal. I “take care” of myself as much as I can within reason, but sometimes you just need to tango with a partner. Here’s my real problem though: I’m terrible at casual sex, by which I mean I’m terrible at making it happen.

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I suck at Tinder and Bumble (I didn’t know guys could even suck at Bumble but I found a way), and I can’t ever seem to seal the deal in clubs or parties. I’m not really eye candy, and I have trouble standing out and making an impression in those scenarios. I’m a conversationalist, and I usually come across better in talking scenarios. Problem is, the type of people who are into one night stands or casual sex typically hang out in clubs or on Tinder, where my game is wack. I’ve thought about taking to Craigslist but I’ve had very little luck there finding casual situations that don’t require a “donation”. Meanwhile I need it bad and I have no idea what to do about it. Am I just going to have to get better at standing out in clubs?

Do I need to boost my Tinder profile? Or is there a way for me to meet like minded people where I’m in my element? Sincerely,Needs it bad. Alright, NIB, I have a question for you: are you looking for a no- strings attached hook- up (or series of hook- ups), or are you hoping for something tonight? Because right now it seems like you’re conflating the two and that’s a mistake. There’s a difference between casual sex in general and one- night stands. Casual sex is just sex without the expectation of a committed relationship.

Women who’re up for a casual hook- up aren’t necessarily going to be up for a one- night stand and people who’re up for one- night stands may want relationships. The mistake you’re making is that you’re asking about “where”, when you should really be asking “why.” Specifically: why would a woman be interested in hooking up with you? Because, quite frankly, women who’re interested in casual sex—whether it’s a one- off hook- up or a fuckbuddy relationship—are everywhere. They’re not just on Tinder or at the club or at singles bars. They’re on OKCupid. They’re at Barnes and Noble.

They’re at that subdued house- party with the red wine and hummus. They’re standing in line with you for your morning latte. Women are just as into casual sex as men are. It’s just that most of the time, their potential partners are turning them off. Everyone’s heard of the Clarke/Hatfield study—the one that had attractive research assistants approaching members of the opposite sex on college campuses and asking “Would you like to go to bed with me?” Almost every guy approached by women would say “hell yes,” because this is how pornos start. Almost every woman approached by men said “hell NO”.. Sex has risks for women that it simply doesn’t have for men, from pregnancy to an increased risk of sexually- transmitted infections and sexual assault to old- fashioned slut- shaming.

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When you control for those risks, then women’s interest in maybe banging out with a stranger rise. Scientists at the University of Mainz found that when their physical safety and privacy was assured, women were far more interested in some NSA nookie. But it’s more than just being safe — the sex needs to be worth it. Dr. Terri Conley found that the more skilled a woman perceived her potential paramour to be, the more likely she would be to hook up with him. Guys, after all, are almost guaranteed to orgasm during sex. Hetero women… aren’t. In fact, less than 6.

There are a lot of guys who see sex with a stranger and think “well, since I’m not going to see her again, there’s no need to put in any effort.” And then, just to add the lime kiss of “fuck you” to offset the bottom- shelf jug tequila of lousy sex, some guys will turn around and call her a whore for letting him sleep with her. Small wonder why a lot of women aren’t that inclined to fuck Johnny Rando. The sex just isn’t going to be good enough to make it worth taking the chance. And frankly, a lot of dudes advertise that they suck at sex. Guys who “flirt” by turning every conversation sexual, who use high- pressure tactics from whatever dodgy subreddit they turned to, even the fedora- tipping M’lady- ing Nice Guys are all proudly displaying their lack of bedroom skills like the tail of the saddest peacock in the word.

Apps like OKCupid and Tinder aren’t much better. Allow me to illustrate the common experience that women have as soon as they open an online dating app: Whether it’s in person or online, those are all great indicators that the guy couldn’t care less about the person they’re trying to hook up with; they just see her as a convenient hole for their pole. And while there will be times when people are cool with being objectified, having somebody signal “I see you as an animated Real Doll” is a pretty good indication that the sex is going to be fucking awful.

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Considering how many of those same dudes will immediately turn around and yell about how she’s old/fat/ugly/a whore and they wouldn’t fuck her with a borrowed dick… well, that’s less of a the offer of a hook- up and more 5 minutes that she’ll never get back. This brings us back to you, NIB. Now that you know a little about why women do — and don’t — say yes to casual sex, let’s make an action plan for you. The first thing is that you need to change your focus a little.

You’re going to find women who’re up for a casual relationship… but you’re going to do it differently than you had been before. Start with ditching clubs and bars.