Why Your Team Sucks 2. Baltimore Ravens. Some people are fans of the Baltimore Ravens. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Baltimore Ravens. Watch Lesbian Vampire Killers Youtube. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

Read all the previews so far here. Your team: Baltimore Ravens. Your 2. 01. 6 record: 8- 8. The Steelers scored three touchdowns in the fourth quarter to eliminate you.

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Suck on that a little longer. Your coach: John Harbaugh, who used Tray Walker’s funeral as an opportunity to bitch out De Smith for limited offseason player contact. You know what, you red ass? How about you find a decent training staff so that you’re not in the top three of Injured Reserve every year instead? By the way, I will always be entertained by Harbs’s newfound obsession to exploit rules loopholes because of that one time the Pats fucked him in a playoff game with legally dubious formations. They broke his brain. You know damn well he spends all night guzzling coffee and poring over tape in a room covered with Beautiful Mind scribbles, eyebanging league bylaws to find something Belichick hasn’t thought of yet.

The Attack of the 50-Foot Whatever trope as used in popular culture. Because "Attack Of The Six-And-A-Half-Foot Whatever" isn't as terrifying. This is like. Sonic Mania (ソニックマニア Sonikku Mania) is a side-scrolling platformer video game in the Sonic the. Has your printer ever changed the size of your picture from what it. 5 Reasons America Should Not Fight Iran, Russia, And Assad In Syria. My response: We have reasons??? It was a noble act to list the reasons of MAN, but in the end.

Intentional holding penalties! THAT’LL GET THEM! MWAHAHAHAHAHAH [lightning strikes in the background].” Your quarterback: Joe Flacco, aka the world’s finest Adam Levine Replacement Android. Flacco once bought five massage chairs and then got rid of them when he realized that he didn’t like massage chairs, and that he is only one person. He’s an idiot. Every year we get away from that Super Bowl victory, the more inexplicable his playoff success becomes.

He must have taken the Limitless drug that winter or something. Flacco, as of this writing, is still out with a disc injury in his back. The Ravens don’t think the injury is serious and expect him back for the opener but, as any 4. EVERY disc injury is serious. That shit doesn’t just go away, my friends.

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The uncertainty around Flacco means that he still could miss real playing time at some point, which means the team could probably use some reinforcements at the position, right? Hmmm, I wonder what free agent QB out there might help provide backup and fit in well with the rest of the team?

I wonder who that could POSSIBLY be…/head/desk I know this is beating an already- flayed horse, but the current backup is Ryan Mallett. Ryan Mallett is a beanstalk truant with atrocious career numbers. They just acquired Thad Lewis, who hasn’t thrown an NFL pass in FOUR years. This team gets decimated by injuries year after year after fucking year. But your lounge singer of an owner won’t sign Colin Kaepernick because he’s afraid of losing beer money and insists on pandering to imaginary racist fans.

What a complete pussy. I went to Annapolis once. In the Annapolis Harbor, you may catch a glimpse of Winning Drive, which is Steve Bisciotti’s luxury yacht. Rumor has that it’s the second largest yacht in that harbor, just after some bigtime doctor’s launch, and that Bisciotti isn’t exactly pleased with being No. He’s a butthole. PAY YOUR WATER BILL, COOKIE MAN. I care about the fan base but I have to absorb the opinions of the layers that have been there. Sure buddy. LAYERS.

There’s a statue of a dude who obstructed justice in two murders right in front of your stadium. Glad the guy who gave up on finding the Ray Rice tape is suddenly so interested in conducting a comprehensive sociological study of his own fanbase. Accused domestic abuser and Uruk- hai chieftain Terrell Suggs is still on the roster, for God’s sake. What’s new that sucks: In their neverending quest to import every old wideout ever to play in the league, say hello to Jeremy Maclin, who’s already destined to miss at least a quarter of the season.

They also brought in anti- Kaepernick Danny Woodhead to appease all the layered opinion- havers among the Dundalk citizenry. Woodhead has played 2. He has no chance with this Civil War infirmary of a team. They also grabbed Brandon Carr from the Cowboys, which will not stop them from allowing Antonio Brown to go for 1. The math guy quit. Dennis Pitta broke down. They signed Austin Howard to a $1.

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Zach Orr retired with half a neck and then unretired. No one who cares about him would ever let him return to this franchise. What has always sucked:  Also, every year Ray Lewis gives me fresh reasons to hate his guts: “Your name is in my Bible.” Even Jimmy Swaggart wasn’t this big of a religious phony. This jackass retired ages ago and yet still manages to embarrass himself and his team on a yearly basis. I say we throw acid at that dumb statue.

As for Baltimore, it remains the most hilariously defensive city on the Eastern Seaboard. Your average Baltimore resident spends 1. Here now is a typical conversation with any Baltimore resident: YOU: Hi, there. THEM: WE’RE NOT JUST THE WIRE, YOU KNOW. ROGER GOODELL RIGS EVERY GAME FOR THE STEELERS.

OH, YOU THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN US JUST BECAUSE YOU LIVE IN A MORE INTERESTING CITY DO YOU? I’LL CUT YOU GOOD. They’re the original snowflakes, by God.

One of the Deadspin staff’s favorite hobbies is checking the Twitter feed of NFL access merchant Jason La Canfora, who tweets angry shit about the Orioles three times more often than he tweets out actual football information. It’s the most Baltimore Twitter feed in history: just a string of anger spasms intended for no one in particular. Like Boston fans, Baltimore fans always assume you give a shit about their problems, and that you’re always on their side. Neither of those things are true. Did you know? They’ll steal your stairs. What might not suck: For real, that yacht looks pretty sweet.

I wouldn’t kick it out of the docking slip. HEAR IT FROM RAVENS FANS! Matt: A couple of years ago I wrote you that the Ravens sucked because their kicker was named the team MVP. Guess what? The kicker was named the team MVP again last year. Tom: Because we’re going to be 8- 6, with 2 games to play, “controlling our own destiny,” and somehow find a way to blow it. Gary: Because we can play an entire season of games decided by three points or less and not a single one of those games will be even remotely exciting. Luis: Joe Flacco makes me sincerely regret the fact the Ravens won the 2.

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Super Bowl. He’s a case study on the hypothetical question of what if winning one championship meant you’d be rubbish for the rest of eternity. Jason: We are only slightly more effective at scouting/developing receivers than the Orioles are at scouting/developing starting pitching.

Jarren: The last Ravens game I attended, I got aisle seats (this is relevant). About 5 minutes BEFORE the game, a stumbling drunk woman barfs a Sandlot- tobacco- carnival ride- level amount of spew all over about three steps, two rows behind me. As the only decent human in the section, I warn ascending fans of the partially chewed hot dogs and now only slightly more acidic Bud Light Lime ahead of them. People behind the mess, however, intentionally distract those going down the stairs so that they will step in the puke, after which everyone in the section cheers.

After struggling to find guest services’ number, I text them to get the cleanup crew. When the cleanup man arrives, miserable, I ask how many texts they got.

The answer was one. I wouldn’t be surprised if there were people booing when the sawdust went down. Dave: Joe Flacco will either throw the ball 8.

There is no middle ground. Danny Woodhead will most likely finish the year with 1. A friend of mine used to work for some entrepreneur clothier who provides high- end suits to Ravens players. Apparently Flacco said to him something along the lines of, “That’s great that you love what you do, hopefully one day I’ll find something I’m passionate about.” Ryan: This has to be the most boring team to watch on offense. I highly doubt any team has more three and outs over the last 7 years. Watching this team play on the road gives me a brain aneurysm every time.

Reasons America Should Not Fight Iran, Russia, And Assad In Syria. Authored by Aaron David Miler and Richard Sokolsky via The Strategic Culture Foundation,Pursuing an ambitious mission against all three adversaries in Syria is dangerous, imprudent and unnecessary. The idea du jour circulating inside the Trump administration and among terrorism experts and Syria watchers alike is that ISIS cannot be destroyed in Syria unless Bashar al- Assad is removed from power and Iran’s presence and influence are drastically curtailed.

And in a perfect world, this indeed would be the best possible outcome to prevent ISIS and other jihadi groups, including Al Qaeda, from ensconcing themselves there. But needless to say, the Middle East isn’t a perfect world. U. S. retaliation against another chemical- weapons attacks, as the White House threatened late Monday, would be both necessary and justified. Assad and his military would “pay a heavy price,” the statementread.) But pursuing an ambitious mission against Iran, Assad and the Russians in Syria is dangerous, imprudent and unnecessary to protect vital American security interests.

Here are five compelling reasons why. The United States Can’t Eradicate ISIS in Syria.

In his inaugural address, President Trump spoke about eradicating radical Islamic terrorism from the face of the earth. It cannot be done. Syria alone will remain an incubator for jihadists and Salafists of all stripes due to a toxic brew of poor governance, bleak economic opportunities, sectarian hatreds and beleaguered Sunni communities. And its ideology and propaganda will still be able to feed on the resentments and sense of victimhood and grievance among the Sunni population. Those who argue for a more assertive policy in Syria are right that, unless these problems are addressed, ISIS and other jihadi groups will continue to thrive even without the caliphal proto- state. But even the most risk inclined in the Trump administration cannot envision that kind of U.

S. commitment in Syria, which would entail the United States and its allies committing thousands of troops and billions of dollars to militarily defeat all of their adversaries in Syria and to occupy, stabilize and reconstruct the country. Indeed, the president himself has strongly argued against nation building. Containing jihadists is realistic; ridding them from Syria is a pipe dream. There’s No Foreseeable Stable End State for Syria. The idea that confronting Iran or trying to weaken the Assad regime in an effort to remove him from power or force him into a negotiated political transition is chimerical. That’s been evident for several years. Even if the United States made a commitment to take Assad out, it would lead to more chaos, no organized force aligned with the West to replace him and a mad scramble among all kinds of groups—Sunni jihadists like ISIS and Al Qaeda, pro- Iranian Shia militias, Alawites and Kurds—to consolidate control over real estate, making the situation worse.

Assad was unprepared for a negotiated political transition before Russia’s intervention in 2. He certainly would never agree to such an outcome now that he controls most of the critical cities and regions in Syria. Moreover, the Russians, who may ultimately want a political solution as an exit strategy, don’t seem to be in a hurry for one—and Moscow won’t be pressured and intimidated into accepting one, given what it has invested in Syria. Thus, even if getting rid of ISIS, in theory, means ridding Syria of Assad and Alawite domination, reducing Sunni grievances and stemming Iran’s influence, it simply isn’t feasible at a cost the American Congress and public are willing to pay.

And if there is no attainable stable end state, the Trump administration’s moves to deepen military and civilian involvement in Syria need to be carefully weighed and evaluated against the precise objectives that an escalating commitment is designed to achieve. Those who are pushing for a more aggressive role in Syria have never identified the relationship between more U. S. engagement and any conceivable end state. We Don’t Want a War with Iran. Iran is run by a repressive regime. It abuses human rights, has expansionist aims and sponsors terrorist acts throughout the Middle East. But trying to roll back Iran’s influence in Syria looks a lot easier in theory than in practice.

Those pushing to eject Iran from southeastern Syria and stymie its efforts to control border crossings between Iraq and Syria—with the intention of creating a land bridge to the Mediterranean—have yet to demonstrate how any of this would contribute to the defeat of ISIS. Nor have they been forthright about the forces it would take to achieve these goals and sustain control over the region. One White House official recently referred to the creation of a Rat Patrol modelled after the 1. TV show depicting a bunch of tough U. S. soldiers riding around in jeeps and harassing German soldiers in the North African desert.

The administration is also planning to send a seven- member team to provide humanitarian assistance to areas in southeastern Syria that have been liberated from Islamic State control. All of this amounts to tactical gimmicks bound to fail, not a strategy. The administration’s Syria policies are untethered to any broader set of goals for combating ISIS and other jihadi groups—a goal that Iran shares more urgently, given the recent terror attack in Tehran. Moreover, ramping up a more aggressive and escalatory policy against Iran might jeopardize the nuclear accord. That agreement is far from perfect, but it will significantly slow down Iran’s march toward a nuclear- weapons capability for the next ten to fifteen years. Indeed, with the North Korean nuclear file very much open, the last thing the United States needs is another outlier state pushing to join the nuclear club.

The United States Can’t Sideline Russia. Fears that the United States and Russia will slide into a full- scale war over Syria are overblown because both fully appreciate the potentially catastrophic consequences.

But continued escalation of military incidents involving U. S. and Russian forces in Syria will make it all but impossible for the two countries to work out any kind of modus vivendi for stabilizing the country after Raqqa falls to U. S. and coalition forces. Russia confronts Washington with several inconvenient truths: first, it’s in a much stronger military and diplomatic position than the United States. Second, because Putin has the upper hand it is hard to imagine that he (or the Assad regime) will be amenable to imposing any meaningful restrictions on Assad’s freedom of action. Nor is Putin likely to accept any kind of international presence in Syria for peacekeeping, stabilization and reconstruction that undermines their control. Third, Moscow will be critical to establishing the political and economic arrangements that will be required for stabilization and reconstruction.

In short, any kind of post- conflict cooperation with Moscow in Syria will not be possible if the United States tries to put the squeeze on Russia. Those who argue that pressure on Moscow is the only way to change Putin’s calculations ignore the president’s seeming unwillingness to tangle with him, the unwillingness of the United States to apply serious pressure and Putin’s willingness to push back if necessary. U. S. Interests in Syria Aren’t as Vital as Those of Its Adversaries. No matter how important Syria is to the United States (and an argument can be made that it’s not all that important), Washington needs to decide how much it’s prepared to sacrifice and whether it’s ready to stay the course when Iran and Russia push back. There’s an elemental divide between the way the United States sees this issue and those who live in or close to the region: whether it’s Iran, Turkey, Israel, Jordan and the Gulf Arabs, they seem prepared to sacrifice far more than the United States.